Why We Are Like We
Why We Are Like We Are
I know that several people may have concerns about my behavior since Susan’s death. “Something’s different with him,” they observe, or “something’s not quite right with how he is behaving and interacting.”
I’ve just found a very helpful book on grieving that I’ve checked out of the library and have been devouring ever since. It’s written by a husband and wife team, each of whom lost their own spouses to death prior to their remarriage. Its focus is on the death of a spouse, and I am finding it to be a very powerful help to me in my grieving process. It’s entitled Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse. The female co-author is Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge, a practicing psychologist, and the male author is Robert De Vries, a pastor and teacher. Their use of the Heidelberg Confession (and their location in Grand Rapids) leads me to believe they are members of the Christian Reformed Church. Eventually, on these pages I will attempt to give a full book report. But for now I want to share what they say about the changes that happen to grieving spouses, because they seem to capture a great deal of what I am going through, and I’m guessing that other bereaved folks in our community of friends and acquintances may be exhibiting similar traits that seem strange to the outside world. Hence, my title above of “why we are like what we are” where the we is us grieving folks. Here is the excerpt:
Feelings. Anxiety, fear, anger, guilt, loneliness, sadness, and depression often emerge during the grief process. They are frequently experienced in a wavelike fashion, where their intensity ebbs and flows. You may initially experience shock or numbness even if your spouse’s death was predicted. This numbness is a normal protective response. Gradually, however, the numbness will dissipate. Anxiety and fear about one’s own survival are not uncommon. Powerful or intense anger may be directed at God, medical personnel, other people, or circumstances. At times anger may be combined with guilt and turned inward. Self blame and shame may come in the form of embarrassment, remorse, and regret. You may exhibit a number of symptoms similar to that of depression, which are associated with the expression of intense grief. Actual clinical depression may occur if these feelings are internalized and not dealt with. Feelings are important and need to be expressed, examined, and worked through over a period of time. Try not to dwell on the negative statements about yourself, since this only attacks your self esteem. You are a valuable person. Keep reminding yourself of your significance and that you did not die when your spouse died.
Behaviors. Grieving people also exhibit a number of common behaviors including crying, preoccupation, absentmindedness, withdrawal from others, detachment from surroundings, decreasing involvement in activities, being unaware of time and/or place, and a general sense of apathy. You may dream about your deceased spouse or sense your spouse’s presence with you. Some bereaved people experience forms of visual or auditory hallucinations–actually thinking they saw or heard their loved one. These reactions are all normal in the initial grieving process. Widowed persons often cling to treasured belongings or some articles of clothing of their deceased spouse. They may find an uncanny closeness and connectedness to their loved one by wearing or focusing on these visual reminders.
Cognitions. Grief also manifests itself through cognitive changes. Widowed people often find they are preoccupied with themselves and the death of their partner, and they are often disinterested in normal activities. They may want to stop the world. After all, a significant person just died; how can the world just keep going on? Often they find it hard to concentrate on normal tasks. They can be confused and really begin to think nothing is important or relevant anymore. The bereaved’s spiritual life may change. Some embrace God and their religious practices more tightly. Others may reject them all together because they feel abandoned by God. Though it may sound strange right now, don’t fight these reactions. Many people who experience the death of a spouse also face a crisis in their faith. But most often, they are able to return to a revitalized faith. So if you are angry at God and want to push him away, at least know that God understands you and what you are going through. If, on the other hand, you are clinging tightly to your faith and are afraid of expressing anger at God, trust that God can tolerate that as well. Eventually you can resolve your spiritual battle and be at peace with yourself and God. Work on the grieving process; God will continue to take care of you.