Book Review The following is
Book Review
The following is a book review that I have prepared for Town North Church.
Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Death of a Spouse; by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert de Vries.
July 28, 2003. It’s been six months now. Undoubtedly, that date marks the worst day of my life because my precious Susan died. Her body no longer breathed. Her lips no longer smiled. Her voice was silent. Those penetrating eyes were closed never to reopen. The daily wisdom, encouragement and unselfish love that she gave me were to end—forever in this life.
In a Christian context it’s more appropriate to say that “she went home to be with the Lord.” I believe that. I believe she is in a glory now that is unfathomable. But the fact is: my wife is dead and I am left alone. Her death was good for her, but bad for me. I can in my mind rejoice in her new joy; but frankly, I was plunged into a deep grief that is also in some ways unfathomable. Even her long illness did not prepare me for this—being left behind without her, my joy and my greatest human love.
Most of you reading this cannot understand what I am attempting to express. I didn’t before losing her. I don’t believe anything can prepare you for the loss of a spouse. Only those who have seen their husbands or their wives die can really understand. So that is why this book, Getting to the Other Side of Grief, is so valuable. The two authors both lost their first spouses to cancer–he in fact, like me, lost his wife to ovarian cancer. Finding each other after their spouses died and starting to work on this book led in time to a romance between them and their eventual marriage. Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge is a practicing psychiatrist and Robert de Vries is a practicing pastor. So not only does the reader get the down-to-earth perspective, both male and female, of someone who has lost a spouse, but also two professional perspectives that are valuable in understanding the emotional and spiritual crises that inevitably arise after a spouse’s death. Furthermore, for us as Reformed believers, the book has the added impact that it makes good use of the Heidelberg Catechism in its pastoral counsel.
Reading this book was the single most helpful thing I did after Susan’s passing. I keep going back to it to help jog my memory. Of course I was greatly helped by Pastor Dave’s compassionate counsel, and the love and support of my family members and friends. But this book dealt with all of the complex emotions and practical issues that overwhelmed me after becoming a widower. And it didn’t try to sugarcoat them. Experiencing the death of a spouse is miserable, there is no denying it. But there are ways to begin to cope and to regroup and to realize that the Lord has left you here for a purpose. That you still have a life to live on this side of heaven shaped by His providence and His love. There is, in a word, hope for the grieving widow and widower.
Half of all you married persons reading this will experience the death of your spouse some day. Three fourths of you will be women. The other one fourth will find that there is much less support for you as a man than there is for women. If you find yourself in this position, brother, I am here for you. And the first thing I will do after crying with you is give you this book. (It is now available in the TNPC library.)
John Dishman