Pop’s Page

Several people have asked me, “what are you doing to help you in your grief?” My answer: participate in a GriefShare group at a nearby Bible church. Last night was the first meeting. While I am pledged to keep the shared items confidential, there are some observations I can make of a general nature.

The first is the male to female ratio in the group There were about 20 women present, and only four men, one of whom was the leader. Affirming this statistic was a handout that we all received at the beginning of the class. It was entitled, “Many men find it hard to show grief.” Both in the article, and in the video presentation we viewed, the point was made that men don’t like to lose control. If they show their emotions, they become vulnerable.

A second observation was a comment shared by one of the other male participants. He noted that his “Christian” friends had a lot more difficulty reaching out to him than many of his unchurched or nominal Christian associates. This has been my experience exactly. Christian men that I had felt close to for a number of years suddenly withdrew. They either said nothing during Susan’s illness, and after her death, or left it to their wives. And yet I craved male fellowship, and a listening ear from a man that I could pour my heart out to about losing my wife. Only another man could begin to understand what it meant to lose a wife of many years. In my experience, like the man above, it was often friends outside my immediate Christian community that picked up the phone and called me to let me know they cared. This meant a lot to me, even though we might not have shared the same theological commitments. They–like Jesus–gave the cup of cold water to a grieving person.

The conclusion from the experts, and from my own and other grieving men mourners, is that even in the Christian community–and maybe even especially in that community–men are fearful of showing their vulnerabiltiy and perhaps extrapolating the loss of a spouse to their own marriage, with all the pain that would likely give. This, of course, is very disappointing since the Gospel is clear that believers need to come along side their fellow believers and weep when they weep, and rejoice when they rejoice.

Having said all that, let me say that three men–outside my family members, who have been superb in supporting me–have consistently stood with me in my pain. Thanks Dave, Wayne and Jim for being there for me. I hope I can be there for you some day when the time comes.